'n Gewone lewe

 Ek het onlangs ‘n prentjie op die internet gesien wat sê “Wanneer jy 40 word is jy oud vir jongmense, en jonk vir oumense.” My man word hierdie jaar 40. Ek onthou nog my ouers se 40ste verjaarsdagpartytjie. Ek onthou presies waar in die huis ons gesit en kuier het, met die grys rusbanke wat ons al vir dekades nie meer het nie. Ek het nog twee jaar oor voor dit my beurt is, maar ek voel aan my lyf dat ek nou ‘n nuwe fase betree.

Met my skuif van skool na universiteit, en weer van universiteit na werk, het ek gedink dat tyd teen my tel. Daar is ‘n tydgleuf waarby ek moet pas hou. En omdat tyd beperk is, moet jy dit nie vermors nie. Ek het vier jaar op universiteit spandeer en vir nog vier jaar daarna met ‘n begin-salaris my studielening afbetaal en dus gereken ek moet ‘n sukses maak van wat ek het. Ek was in my dertigs toe ek vir die eerste keer besef het dat mens nooit te oud is om ‘n verandering te maak nie. Dat geen tyd of energie van die verlede nutteloos was nie. Gelukkig is 30 nog jonk.

Dit bring my by sukses en hoe ons dit meet. In my verwysingsraamwerk was sukses direk gekoppel aan uitnemendheid. Ek het myself nog nooit as ambisieus beskou nie omdat ek gemaklik is sonder die druk van die “corporate ladder”. Maar ek het dit ook as ‘n swakpunt beskou. ‘n Tekort aan ambisie gaan my nêrens in die lewe bring nie en die boodskap wat ek op dieselfde tyd gehoor het is dat vrouens nou selfstandig is en hul eie weg in die wêreld baan. So wat is fout met my? ‘n Ander probleem was dat my keuse om in die Kunste te werk my ‘n minderwaardigheidskompleks gegee het. Maar ek het geweet dat my persoonlik nie in ‘korporatiewe beroepe’ sal werk nie.

Ek hou van die idee dat ons as mense konstant leer en groei. Dit is goed om elke nou en dan terug te kyk na jou jonger self en sien hoe jy ten goede verander het. Dikwels gaan dit gepaard met hartseer, verlies en struwelinge. Hulle noem dit nie verniet groeipyne nie. En om jou lewe in agt tasse te pak, halfpad rondom die wêreld te trek en van voor af te begin is traumaties. Tog, al is dit steeds nie aldag maklik nie, kan ek soveel groei waarneem in my drie-en-‘n-half jaar in Kanada.

Ek weet nie of dit ‘n Kanadese- of ‘n plattelandse-dorpie-ding is nie, maar mense hier is min gepla met status en voorkoms. Niemand gee om oor die klere wat jy dra, hoe jy jou hare sny, watter voertuig jy ry en wat jou rang by die werk is nie. Jy kan gerus iemand komplimenteer, maar ek moes op die harde manier leer dat jy nie die reg het om opmerkings oor iemand se algemene voorkoms te maak nie, al is jou bedoelings hoe goed. Dit is nie ‘n kultuur waaraan ek gewoond was nie. Wat dit egter bied, is ongelooflike bevryding.

Die lewe is nie ‘n kompetisie nie. Wees gemaklik met wie jy is en moet jou nie steur aan ander se opinies nie. Makliker gesê as gedaan, ek weet. Die lewe is swaar genoeg, wees jou eie en ander se cheerleader.

Ouerskap is die grootste uitdaging waarmee ek nog ooit gekonfronteer is. Ek het myself nog nooit as ‘n erger mislukking beskou as wanneer ek volgens my verwagtinge as ouer te kort kom nie. Ek meet myself voortdurend aan dit wat ek by ander gesinne waarneem, sonder enige konteks of insig. Dit is nie haalbaar nie! Uiteindelik het ek besef dat hoe ek kies om my kinders groot te maak, my eie saak is. Ek hoef niks aan enige iemand te bewys nie en hulle ook nie aan my nie.

Al hierdie gedagtes het onlangs, rondom my 38ste verjaarsdag, vir my tot een gevolgtrekking gekom: Daar is niks fout met ‘n gewone lewe nie. Jy hoef nie uitnemend te wees nie. ‘n Glansryke bestaan is nie noodwendig wat dit voorgee nie. En as uitnemendheid vir jou genot bring – fantasties! Ons is verskillend geprogrammeer en daar is ‘n plek vir almal. Dit beteken nie dat jy op jou rug moet rol, reken die wêreld skuld jou iets, jou omstandighede as verskoning gebruik of agterlosig wees met jou verantwoordelikhede nie. Dit is nie ‘n vrypas om slapgat te wees nie. Maar dit is OK.

Ek weet eerlikwaar nie wat ek wil word as ek groot is nie. Is daar nog tyd om dit te ontdek of daarmee te eksperimenteer? Beslis! Is die ervaring wat ek tot dusver bymekaar gemaak het nutteloos? Inteendeel. Moet ons soms in die oomblik dapper wees sodat ons sterker en meer bevoeg nuwe dinge kan aanpak? Inderdaad. Kan ons ontevrede of onvergenoegd voel wanneer die lewe ons teleurstel? Preach!

Ek hoop dat hierdie nuwe gevolgtrekking my genade sal gee teenoor myself. Om tevrede te wees met ‘n gewone lewe wat in sy eenvoud wonderlik en genoeg is. Dat ek nuwe groei sal verwelkom en elke nou en dan terugkyk en weet dat my foute en tekortkominge nie deel is van my identiteit nie maar eerder my potensiaal. En dit hoef nie aan die wêreld se standaard van uitnemend of glansryk te voldoen nie.

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An ordinary life

I recently saw a picture on the internet (during some doom-scrolling) that said: “When you turn 40, you are old to young people and young to old people.” Hello mid-life! My husband is turning 40 this year. I still remember my parent’s 40th birthday party. I remember exactly in what room we sat; on the grey sofas we haven’t owned for decades now. In two years, it will be my turn, and my body is very aware that I’m entering a new stage of life.

During my shift from school to university, and again from university to working full time, I was convinced that time was against me. There is a time-frame that I must honour. And because time is limited, you are not allowed to waste it. I spent four years earning my degree, and then another 4 years paying off my student load on a starting salary. So, I figured, I have to make a success with what I have. I was in my 30's when I finally realised that we are never too old to make a change. That no passed time or energy is ever wasted. Luckily, 30 is still young.

That brings me to success and how we measure it. In my frame of mind, success was directly related to excellence. I’ve never thought of myself as ambitious, because I’m comfortable without the pressure of climbing the corporate ladder. But I also saw that as a personal weakness. A lack of ambition will bring you nowhere in life and the message I got at the same time was that women are praised for being independent and making their own way in the world. So, what is wrong with me? Another problem was that choosing to work in the arts gave me an inferiority complex. But I also knew that my personality was not suited for the corporate world.

I like the idea that we as humans are constantly learning and growing. It is good to look back on your younger self every now and then and see how you’ve changed for the better. This often goes along with heartache, grief and challenges. They don’t call it growing pains for nothing. And to pack your life into eight suitcases and move halfway around the world to start over is traumatic. Still, even though some days are still hard, there is so much growth I can observe in myself since I came to Canada three and a half years ago.

I’m not sure if it is a Canadian or a small-town thing, but people here are not bothered by your status or appearance. No one cares about what you wear, how you style your hair, the car you drive or your rank at the office. You can compliment someone for sure, but I had to learn the hard way that you have no right to comment on someone’s general appearance, no matter how good your intentions are. That is not a culture I was used to. And honestly, living in this kind of community is extremely liberating.

Life is not a competition. Be comfortable with who you are and don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Easier said than done, I know. But life is hard enough – be your own and other’s cheerleader.

Parenthood is the biggest challenge I’ve ever been confronted with. I’ve never felt like a bigger failure than when I fell short of my expectations as a parent. I compare myself constantly to other families, without any context or insight. That is simply not sustainable! Or reasonable. I’m starting to learn that how I choose to raise my children, is no one’s business but my own. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and neither does everybody else.

All these thoughts have recently, around my 38th birthday, come to this conclusion: There is nothing wrong with an ordinary life. You don’t have to excel at everything. A glamorous existence is not all it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong, if excellence brings you joy, that’s fantastic! We are all wired differently and there is a place for everyone. It also doesn’t mean that you should roll over in submission, insist that the world owes you something, use your circumstances as an excuse or to be careless with your responsibilities. It is not a free pass to become a slacker. But it’s OK.

I honestly still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Is there still time to discover and experiment with options? Absolutely! Is the experience I’ve gather so far useless? On the contrary. Do we sometimes have to be brave in the moment so we can come out the other side stronger and better equipped? For sure. Are we allowed to feel unsatisfied when life disappoints us? Preach!

I hope that this new revelation allows me to give myself grace. To be content with an ordinary life, that in its simplicity is both wonderful and enough. That I will welcome growth and look back every so often and know that my mistakes and shortcomings do not define me. It shapes my potential instead. And it doesn't have to live up to the world's standard of excellence or glamour.