Two things can be true at the same time

 

Yesterday I woke up sad. I couldn't figure out why – my life is great! My favourite season is coming up, my kids are hilarious (makes up for the challenging parts), I finally have a job that I love, and I have a supportive husband who takes very good care of his family. So, I convince myself to get on with the day, it’s probably just hormones. At some point during the morning, I get a Google Pictures memory on my phone – Today, six years ago. The day we landed in Canada.

Six years! Somehow that feels both long and short at the same time. In the grand scheme of things – living in the same place for 34 years, makes six years in a new place fly by. When I meet a newcomer to Canada, it often takes me back to our own journey and how far we have come. How comfortable we are with our Canadian identities now, how privileged we feel to reap the benefits of everything Canada has to offer. It has been lifechanging, through all the challenges and hardships we have faced.

This morning I was up earlier than usual, and I was thinking about the South African part of my identity. Wondering how noticeable it is, how that makes me feel. I thought that I really should start adding some South African phrases back into my everyday life. Who cares if folks here don’t get the context? Give them the context! Maybe it will even catch on. And as I ruminate, I think about my association with South Africa. For the longest time, I felt a lot of resentment towards my country of birth. When you become an immigrant, that serves a purpose. At least it did for me. It reminds you why you made such a life-altering decision in the first place. It closes the door when you get home sick after the honeymoon phase has worn off. And as with any relationship that ends, unresolved feelings can fester. 

As I sat with this information, the word ‘grief’ came to mind. As soon as I said that word, the tears came. Out of nowhere. I’ve learned in therapy that we must sit with our emotions. Not obsess over them and spiral into a pit of anxiety and self-chastisement (I mean…been there, done that). What are they telling you. How does it feel in your body. And here I am thinking – have I truly grieved that relationship? At the same time, I understand that grief comes in waves. It doesn’t ever go away, but it does get easier.

When you get a closer look at people in your own community who face various challenges, it makes it easy to shrug off your own worries and frustrations. Really, what do I have to complain about? Nothing! But I don’t think that is fair. We each experience hardship within our own reality, and no one has insight into that world but yourself.

You can not heal, recover or move on when you discount your own ‘trauma’ and the related feelings. And yes, I know trauma is a word that gets thrown around willy-nilly these days, but it doesn’t make it any less real, even for folks who seem to have it all together.

Last year I listened to the audiobook of ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Bessel van der Kolk. What a revelation that was for me! More recently I have seen psychologists on social media discounting this theory. Not being a medical profession myself, I would argue that it is very much relevant for me. And I believe that is what I experienced when I woke up sad on the morning of September 2nd, not knowing why. My body remembers. Now I can sit with that feeling, acknowledge that it is valid and hard, but that I am OK. It will pass. It is not dangerous; it tells me something. I am on a trajectory of growth.

I came across a phrase earlier this year, that really stuck with me – Two things can be true at the same time. This can be incredibly helpful in many areas of life, especially in a world with charged political and sociological landscapes. In my case – I can miss a place where I was born and lived, for over 30 years, while not wanting to go back there. Be homesick, although I no longer think of South Africa as my home. I can watch a reel about South Africa (usually food-related) and feel nostalgic, and at the same time not always want to associate with other South African expats. I can be grateful that my family gets to thrive in this community, while also grieving lost relationships with grandparents, cousins and friends.

I never thought of myself as particularly patriotic, but there are many parts of South Africa that live so deep in my bones that it will forever be a part of me. Somehow along the way, I abandoned some of these bits, to fit in. Don’t misunderstand me, no one ever made me feel like I HAD to do this, it just happened organically. I am a chameleon in that way. I also feel very strongly that Immigrants have a responsibility to integrate into their new environment. You can keep your culture alive, while also respecting the ‘Canadian way of life’ – you are a guest here, after all. But that is a whole other discussion. I digress. All these alterations served a purpose. But maybe, I should rediscover my roots and embrace my identity as both South African, and Canadian. I don’t have to pick. Who cares if I jam an Afrikaans word in the middle of a sentence?

I looked up the stages of grief today. I lived in the anger stage for a very long time. Bargaining was never a big deal, because I would make the same decision to move here, over and over again. And now, at the six-year mark, I am sad. I am sad for a beautiful country that made me feel desperate enough to take my chances halfway across the world. I am sad that all the anxiety I left behind is still my family’s reality. I am sad about the unfairness, injustice and cruelty that leans on South Africans of all demographics – although I am in awe of the resilience and gumption I see on the daily. I’m sad that I no longer have access to private healthcare, local fresh produce and the big-five. These are all what I like to call ‘first-world problems’, and I know that I am incredibly fortunate. I also know that the human condition is complex, messy, confusing, inspiring and beautiful. Two things can be true at the same time. Our feelings are valuable and real, and equally important – and also our responsibility to manage.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be shopping online for some braaipap. And Oros. And maybe a Peppermint Crisp, we will see. I have to justify the delivery fee, after all.

PS. Vandag was my innerlike dialoog in Engels. Vrydae is my Engelse-airtime gewoonlik op, dan sal ek moontlik vertaal. Of nie.